My younger daughter turned 4 months on 26th January. I still remember the fag end of pregnancy when I was super tired and thinking when I will finally deliver. From that to delivery and then 4 months post delivery ,time has passed really fast. And yes my elder one is now almost 5 years old, 4 yrs and 8 months to be precise. My elder daughter Swara fondly referred to little 'S' in my blogposts is now big 'S' the big sister. She is the one who talks like a big sis to my younger one, and tries to calm her down while she is crying. Suddenly my tasks for Swara have come down to only feeding her food predominantly . She no longer needs baby like supervision. To me it feels all grown up. From me managing Swara to her managing my younger one , when did all this happen- I wonder?
I then go back in time and think of all those times when I used to get very concerned about Swara. Why was she sleeping late , was she being fed the right stuff etc etc. When you are away from your child,you will always have these questions. I then look back at the amount of energy I expended in thinking of those things. And I can say that in some cases I spent more time in thinking about them than they deserved. Should I have not thought about them at all? No that's not correct. I should have focused on actions only, and forgotten about unnecessary analysis as people don't change. As my daughter turns 5 , when I look back and think of the good times and bad times , my biggest learning has been only and only to focus on factors in my control. And this is easier said than done for people who want perfection. And now as I raise my two daughters, I want to share some of my learnings-
1. Motherhood will get overwhelming- Becoming parents and especially a mother can get very overwhelming. Once you become a mother, you are most important figure in your child's life. The child will demand attention all the time. You will constantly have conflicting priorities and will have to continuously strive for that elusive work and family life balance if you are working. The trick to handle this state of overwhelming feeling is to take one day at a time. Not to think too long term. For example let's say your child is not eating proper food for a couple of days. Instead of worrying about what happens to his/her long term health due to this, focus on one meal at a time. Think of how you can make him/her eat healthy food then. If he/she eats well , fine. If he/she doesn't, try this method for the next meal. The advantage of thinking like this is your brain is free of unnecessary worry clutter and you focus on task at hand. Also look at bigger picture. If a few meals out of so many meals in so many years are unhealthy, it shouldn't worry you so much.
2. Your goal as parents is to teach the right morals and values to your child - In today's increasingly connected world, we cannot control what influences our children fall prey to. All we can do is teach them the right values and morals. Schools also do play a part in doing this. But we as parents should take an effort in doing this so that the children understand the difference between the right and the wrong.
3. Time is the key - Time is the key , time changes a lot of things. When your child is small, you will be dependent for a lot of small stuff. But as your child grows, your dependence will reduce. Basically when you are dependent, a lot of the support system can take advantage of your dependence on them. This will change with time. When your child becomes more independent, your dependence on the support system will decrease too.
4. It takes a village to raise a child- I today's world , it is becoming difficult to find that village to raise a child. The key is to identify those people in the village who are truly helpers to those whom you can turn at any time for help. Rest don't matter. They don't matter at all.Period.
5. " We raised our kids in xyz way and they turned up well." Is the most generic statement ever- When your parenting style will differ from some elders, this is the standard argument put forth by them. If it's in good intent, its ok. If it's to prove how they were good parents, it's full on nonsense. First and foremost there is no proof of what happened that time. Secondly the environment was different. Thirdly even orphans turn out fine. So you get the point. A child that turns out well is not necessarily a product of great parenting and vice versa is true too. How you raise your child should be entirely you and your spouse's choice. Difficult in Indian society but this is how it should be.
6. Enjoy each phase of parenthood- Each phase of parenthood brings with it a set of joyful times as well as challenging times. Many a times we focus on only challenges and forget to enjoy in the moment. Cherish each moment as these days never come back.Maybe your baby was a lot cranky during the day. But she must have smiled too right. Focus on the smiles
7. Small things matter-The time you spend with your child matters more than material stuff. Yesterday I picked up my elder daughter in arms after a year( due to pregnancy and post csec recovery). She was overjoyed and she told everyone she met how mumma picked up in her arms. Small things for us, big things for kids.
" Kids grow up, it will all be fine" they say. It's the nature's law that kids will grow up. This is a good statement to say during tough times. But as parents our job is to raise them with good values and morals and leave the rest. And last but not the least do not let others judgements of your parenting style affect you even a bit.
-Dhanashree
#dsaidso #parenting #mydaughtermyteacher
