Shared Parenting

The other day I was a bit unwell. So much so that I wasn't able to get up and was feeling feverish. Husband equally tired from a long day and late from office, immediately handled the kids and did some basic household chores like filling water bottles etc which is normally done by me. He did all this without me telling him to do this. Core feminists might say there is nothing great about it. So what if my husband does this? It is great because it's an improvement from earlier times when I had to tell him to do certain things and he would not even understand sometimes. Now this is happening seamlessly. This to me is what shared parenting is all about - It's not just about sharing the chores on the list ,it is moving away from Do as Directed to taking ownership of execution as well as mental load.

Why is shared parenting required?

Purely, because when both the partners engage in child rearing, it becomes enjoyable for both as well as less stressful had it been done by one parent predominantly. It helps in binding with kids for both the parents. With today's nuclear family structure , it becomes imperative that both the partners share the load. Even if you have household help, there are still certain things you might need to do and there will obviously be mental load of tasks to be done.  Also 100% dependance on household help is risky as they take advantage of the dependence sometimes. Hence shared parenting is required. Shared parenting does not mean exact 50-50 division of tasks. It means division in a way such that both the spouse's get time to pursue their other ambitions. Sometimes the child rearing  load might be more on the spouse whose the professional load is lighter and vice versa. But over a period of time it evens out.

What are the roadblocks to shared parenting? What are the possible solutions to them?

Patriarchal mindset- Why should men do this? It's a women's job. Plus we can hire help. Why should a man be involved in all this? Log kya kahenge mindset - beta bacche ka diaper badalta hain

Solution- This one takes time. Mindset change is individual as well as societal pressure helps. Ads by Ariel like Share the load sort of help in driving home the message. Also because we emulate the west - showing that in the west people do things on their own should help in changing the mindset. Give the example of Sharmaji ka beta from USA .

There is help available mindset-   There is affordable household help available in India, why do this on our own. So delegate. 

Solution- Not everything can be delegated. Also if it can be , what about the mental load about this management if househelp? What about their sick days? We need to drive this point strongly.

Women not letting go- Women expecting perfection and hence refusing to delegate

Solution - This is a tuff one. Women being perfectionist,  want things to be done in exactly one way. Women must realise that even if things are not done in their way they want but done in a reasonably ok way, the world will not come to an end. For example if your husband gives bath to your child in a diferent way than yours , it's ok. 

Income factor - The factor that women's salary is much lower, hence she can stay at home so that husband can fully focus on work. The combined family income due to this will still be higher

Solution - Men need to understand that job is not merely a source of income , it's much more for women. Two jobs also help in risk diversification in volatile times. 

Joint family -  Joint families are great support systems if they want to help. But they are the worst if big egos are involved. If the elders especially elder women in the family want to trouble the daughter in law, they will ensure she doesn't get her husband's support and brainwash him against shared parenting.

Solution : Men need to be smartly told that what difference their help makes and how it positively impacts babies. Once they realise that, then they generally are willing to contribute

Shared parenting is the only way forward for us to progress as a society. So the sooner we go there, the better it is.

#dsaidso

#mydaughtermyteacher

#parenting

-Dhanashree.

Https://dsaidso.blogspot.com

भाषा - the connect

आमचे इस्त्रिवाले भैया म्हणजे बाप लेक जोडी आहे. कधी बाबा येतात कधी मुलगा येतो कपडे न्यायला घ्यायला.मुलगा चेहऱ्यावरून मराठी वाटला नाही, म्हणून मी त्याच्याशी हिंदीत बोलायला सुरुवात केली. बाबा मात्र स्वतःहून माझ्याशी मराठीत बोलायला लागले. अगदी मराठी accent वाटला , आणि त्यांचा चेहरा महाराष्ट्रीय  वाटला.  ते मराठी बोलतात म्हणून त्यांच्याशी वेगळाच connect वाटला. मी सहज विचारलं, तुम्ही मराठी आहात का? ते म्हणाले, मी यूपी चा आहे, पण बरेच वर्ष महाराष्ट्रात आहे.   

बंगलोरला हॉस्टेल मध्ये होते तेव्हा इथे कोण जास्त‌ मराठी बोलणारे भेटत नाही याची खंत वाटायची मला.  मग कोणी मराठी बोलणार भेटलं की खूप मस्त वाटायचं.

माझ्या आईची आई आणि बाबांची आई दोघीही मालवणी ( कोकणी सारखी) भाषा बोलायच्या. त्या भाषेत डाळीच्या आमटीला डाळीचा सांबारा म्हणतात. आई अजूनही मराठीत बोलताना असे मालवणी शब्द वापरते. 

स्वित्झर्लंड येथील jungfraujoch ला जाणाऱ्या ट्रेन मध्ये स्वागत करण्यासाठी नमस्कार म्हटलं जातं आणि तेव्हा आपल्या हृदयात ला एक कोपरा सुखावतो. बहुतांश प्रवासी भारतीय असल्यानं त्यांनी असं केलं असावं. 

आमच्या मुलीशी आम्ही मराठी बोलतो. ती आधी फार छान इंग्लिश बोलत नसे. म्हणून आम्ही घरात इंग्लिश बोलायला सुरुवात नाही केली. आता ती इंग्लिशमध्ये सुद्धा छान बोलते. ती इंग्लिश शाळेत जाते. पण तिला उत्कृष्ट मराठी लिहिता बोलता आलं पाहिजे अशी माझी इच्छा आहे. काल mother language day होता. त्यानिमित्ताने हे लिखाण .  

#मराठी

#motherlanguageday

#unesco

-Dhanashree

https://dsaidso.blogspot.com

मोठेपणा

‌गेल्या आठवड्यात रस्त्यावरून जाताना ओळखीच्या काकू भेटल्या. माझी त्यांच्याशी फारशी ओळख नाही म्हणजे  जाता-येता दिसतात फक्त. माझ्याबरोबर माझी लेक होती. ती कुठल्या शाळेत जाते अशी  काकूंनी चौकशी केली. माझ्या लेकीनं शाळेचे नाव सांगितलं. त्यावर त्यांनी आपला नातू कुठल्या शाळेत जात होता सांगायची सुरुवात केली. (आता त्यांचा नातू कॉलेजात आहे.) तर हा त्यांचा संवाद. "माझा नातू आर्य विद्यामंदिर शाळेत जात होता. मग त्याला IG बोर्ड हवा होता. अंबानी च्या शाळेत दोनदा ट्राय केली ऍडमिशन ,पण मिळाली नाही म्हणून मग शेवटी जमनाबाई मध्ये घेतली."त्यांच्या बोलण्यात नातू इंटरनॅशनल बोर्डात जातो त्याचा भयंकर मोठेपणा होता.  मला त्यांच्या वागण्याचं  नवल वाटलं. नातू कुठल्या शाळेत जातो यावरून कसला आलाय मोठेपणा?

‌ काही लोकांना आपण मोठ्या घरात राहतो किंवा शहराच्या मध्यवर्ती ठिकाणी  राहतो याचा भारी मोठेपणा असतो. माझी आई मुंबईच्या दादरमध्ये वाढली. तिच्या माहेरचं हिंदू कॉलनीत पाच खोल्यांचं घर होतं. अतिशय मोठं घर आणि हिंदू कॉलनी सारखी सुशिक्षित सुसंस्कृत आणि पॉश लोकांची एरिया. तरीही माझ्या आईने कधीही- कधीही म्हणजे खरंच कधी एकदा सुद्धा आमचं असं मोठं घर होतं हे विधान केलेलं आठवत नाही. छोट्या घरांना तुच्छतेने बघितले असं  आठवत नाही. त्यामुळे मला घरावरून असा मोठेपणा करणाऱ्यांची खूप मजा वाटते.

‌ एकदा तर एका ओळखीच्या बाईंनी त्यांच्या मुलाला सासर्याने कसं दिल्लीचं विमान प्रवासाचं तिकीट काढून दिलं त्याचा मोठेपणा केला. मी त्यांना विचारलं तुमच्या मुलाची टिकीट काढण्याची सुद्धा ऐपत नाही का? असं म्हटल्यानंतर त्यांचा चेहरा अगदी बघण्यासारखा होता.

‌ काही लोकांना आपण किती फिरलो विशेषतः किती परदेश फिरलो याचा भारी मोठेपणा असतो. दुसरे काही विषय नसतात त्यांच्याकडे बोलायला. वाचन ,काम, अजून काही छंद,  काहीच नाही. मला म्हणायचं तुम्हाला फिरायचं होतं तुम्ही फिरला. त्याचा कसला आलाय मोठेपणा?

‌ मोठेपणा कसला आणि कुठे मारायचा त्याला सुद्धा काहीतरी सीमा असते. त्याहीपेक्षा माझ्या दृष्टीने सर्वात जास्त महत्त्व माणसाच्या वागणुकीला आहे. तो माणुसकीने वागतो का हे खरं महत्त्वाचं..बाकी  मोठेपणा करणं ही रिकामटेकड्या लोकांची कामं.

-धनश्री

#dsaidso

#randommusings

Paay lagu....

A few weeks ago, Narayan Murty touched the feet of Ratan Tata and it became a news. It was considered as a sign of humility by the Infosys founder. In Hindu tradition, touching the feet of elders is considered as a good thing. The way I grew up, we touched elders feet during festivals and maybe before important events like exams . But I don't remember it was compulsory or doing it regularly.

As I grew up, I realised this touching of feet was a very strong symbol of showing respect. Irrespective of whether you respect the person or not , if you touch his/her feet , you are 'sanskaari' . Especially if you are a girl, you are sanskaari "bahu" or "beti". Worse , if you dont do so, you might be labelled as non sanskaari.I know a friend who did not even bother when her mum was sick and went on a trip. But publicly she would always touch her mum's feet. Even at the risk of not knowing the exact equations between the two, if she did not bother about her mum , why did she need to show that paay lagu mummy every single time? To show...to show the great Indian family is all about care and respect. In an Instagram world , where life is measured by pictures, paay lagu is a sanskaari picture. It is still a very strong symbol of respect without much effort.
I remember once , my daughter had asked me , why do we touch feet , should I touch feet everytime? I told her to behave nicely to people. Touching feet comes later and is optional. That's my sanskaar to my daughter, I don't care if she appears sanskaari or non sanskaari to the world.

-Dhanashree