With you, always

My sister-in-law and her husband graduated from ISB, Hyderabad this year. My husband went to Hyderabad to be a part of this convocation. Me and my daughter could not join him, hence he went on his own. Incidentally at the Hyderabad airport, he met a couple who were also going to ISB for their son's convocation. All of them took the same cab to go to ISB.

On noticing that my husband was travelling alone, uncle asked him why I am not accompanying him. My husband replied saying that I have some other commitments and hence I am not accompanying him. But this questioning did not stop there. Uncle further probed my husband if that was really the reason why I wasn't accompanying him. He was like are there any issues in our marriage? He went on to market further that he is a marriage counseler and we could go to him if we had any issues.

When my husband told me this, I did not know how to react. Just to get business, a marriage counselor tried to find fault in the marriage of a new acquaintance. Secondly if he truly thought that travelling together always was a hallmark of a successful relationship, I only have one thing to say- save his wife and his counselles too:)

My husband and I had promised each other right since the beginning that we would be with each other always. That doesn't imply we would go to each place and occassion together. That just means, I will be there with you each and every time you need me.

Ultimately I am With you, always !

-Dhanashree
#dsaidso
Https://dsaidso.blogspot.com

"Me " time?

We decided it was long since we went on a date. The husband and I were longing for some couple only time and made a plan last night for a dinner date. I convinced my daughter 'S' that I will have to go out with her Dad for some work. I also convinced myself that I need to have these 'me' times for myself as well the relationship with my husband.
Then 'S' cried as usual. She wanted to go out with us. After a lot of convincing she agreed to stay back. So now we were all set for our date. Physically fatigued after a long day but mentally enthusiastic, I dressed up and the husband and I went to our favourite restaurant. We discussed our old times, the college days, the CAT prep, the MBA times and what not. We discussed how my husband asked me out and the times after that. In all this romantic mood there was an antenna in my mind thinking about little 'S' and what she must be doing.
Once we got done with food, we just walked around the place. We could see couples, families around. Kids running around and parents trying to run behind them. Whenever I saw kids , all I felt was I missed my daughter even more. Here I was on a dinner date with my husband which was long due, possibly trying to have my 'me' time, but the mother in me could not switch off. All she thought of was "What is S doing?". All she felt was she missed her.
Times like this make me realise that once you are a mother, having 'me' time also can feel like a burden. As much as you want the 'me' time, you also want to be with your little one. Thats why probably once a child is born, your most known identity is as the mother of your child.
Whether you are working or stay at home, once you have a child, one part of you always thinks of her. Hence there will never be an easy answer to - To "me time" or not to "me time"?
Because I am and will always be my daughter's mum indeed! (http://dsaidso.blogspot.com/2017/11/i-am-my-daughters-mum.html?m=1 )

-Dhanashree

Baarish Wala Shuddh desi romance

Baarish Wala Shuddh Desi Romance( over the years..)

First year of Marriage---
Oh it's raining, so romantic.. Totally feeling Pyaar Hua Ikraar Hua wala feeling.. Going out using only one umbrella with hubby and giving those oh - so- cheesily- romantic looks to each other

Second year of marriage --

It's raining .. Having the chai pakora feeling..DH( Dear Husband) saying - Can you make some pakoras please

Darling wife agrees  says , "Yes darl"
 30 mins later , DH and DW sitting in the balcony  and having chai pakoras

Fast forward to 5 years post marriage..

It's raining. DH has lost his umbrella. Pleads to DW to give her umbrella.
DW- You can't even buy a new umbrella. How can we go in one umbrella? We will get drenched. Don't be filmy and use only one umbrella for us.

It's evening. Husband is back from work hungry.. 'Pls make some pakoras darl" he tells his DW.

But 5 years of marriage have made the DW smart, the pakoras have already been ordered from swiggy. While now the DW watches a movie on her lappie.

Five years hence, romance is still literally in the air- and the song Pyaar Hua Ikraar Hua is playing on Radio....

-Dhanashree
#dsaidso #kahaanighargharki #marriedlife #rains

Aji Suniye!

( DH refers to dear husband, LO refers to little one)

Scene 1

The new dress and the tiffin

Me - (referring to the dress he bought for me) Wow this is so nice.. I so wanted something like this..

DH- See I know you better than me, I knew you would like this.. But you never listen when I tell you to buy something

Me- Hmm, I know.. But this dress is amazing.. I love you 😍😍

DH -- ( expressions like he's conquered the world)

Me-- So where is your today's tiffin?

DH- In my bag

Me- Take it out na

DH-- ( opens bag, searches for tiffin, can't find it) I think I forgot in cab

Me-- ( angry) How come you forget every single time, how many times do I need to remind you? Are you a kid? Can't you act responsible?

DH-- I promise I won't forget next time

Me-- (angrily ) You say this every single time.. Only play games on mobile, no responsibility, nothing, I have to do everything :(

Scene 2:

Our conversation over a telephone

Me- Missing you so much, You know what there is just so much work at office, I just don't know when it will get over....and you know what lets go somewhere this weekend...ah today that Sia was wearing such a nice dress, even I want one like that...( Conversation jumps from one topic to another)

DH -- Hmmmm Ok

Me-- And what should make for dinner, already worried about whether LO had food, and yes what she must have done in school today. Did you drop a email to the school teacher asking for missing worksheets? Did you?

DH-- Huh? What ?

Me-- ( angrily) Ok so you are not even listening, I miss you so much and you are not even listening to me

Scene 3

The ice cream parlour

DH- Lets go have ice cream tonight

Me - Wow, yes lets go

DH - Lets go and have your roll icecream

Me ( super excited) : You just read my mind.. Let me change and then lets go

At the ice cream shop.
The ice cream is served . It is truly delicious. I am enjoying every bite, just relishing the taste. DH in the meanwhile enjoying games on mobile. His way of ensuring peace, silence when a non stop chatter box is around :)

These scenes may be a part of many households.. And on this Vat Pournima,
- Lets also pray for the husband's to gather enough strength to listen to Aji Suniye / Aho aiklat ka non-stop and manage their wife's sinusoid curve of emotions for the next 7 births 😎

-Dhanashree
https://dsaidso.blogspot.com

Vat Pournima

My Kalnirnay says its Vat Pournima today. That day of the year where ladies fast , pray for the long life of the husbands. That day where ladies tie a thread around the banyan tree seven times and pray that the dear or poor ? Hubby be their husband for next 7 births.

Funny as it seems to me now, I did this Vat Pournima thread tieing ritual in the first year of my marriage. When I went to that banyan tree, I was astonished to see the sheer number of women there. I could barely get some space to do this thread encircling ritual. I just did it 2 times and came out of that crowded space. In the years that followed I never did this tree thread ritual again. I occasionally observe a fast on this day.

There is obviously a story behind this ritual, I do not know how much significance it holds today.

But then how can we forget the main person- the husband here? Has anyone asked the husband whether he would like the same wife for the next 7 births? Poor soul, I pity him on his no choice day. Oh wait, what choice does he have on the other days ?

Till we think on this, let me have my awesome fasting menu :)starting with sabudana khichadi. For all those who know how the Maharashtriam fasting goes, its more like feasting on the fasting menu!

-Dhanashree
https://dsaidso.blogspot.com

A frequent flyer's wife speaks

How does a frequent flyer life seem? Maybe glamorous , yes! How does the spouse of frequent flyer feel? Read my poetry below

The marriage economics

A couple of months back I wrote about my reflections post 5 years of my MBA( http://dsaidso.blogspot.com/2018/04/5-saal-baad.html). Incidentally I also completed five years of married life this year. How do I describe my married life in MBA jargon?Can I draw some parallels?

I think when people get married each individual has an expectation from the marriage. In pure economics lets say he/she is looking for some utility from the marriage. Different combinations of things may give him/her the same utility. For example watching movies and helping out in kitchen may have same utility as going on a trip and not helping as much in kitchen. I think the trick lies in understanding the utility expectations and imagining an indifference curve of things that give the same utility to your spouse. If both husband and wife try to understand each others indifference curves and combine it with the budget constraint , they can try to derive the maximum utility. Now maximum utility is not always possible. Hence there is adjustment. Here we think of elasticity. How elastic are you, how willing are you accomodating to change. As I had said previously ,marriage involves to an extent giving up. How much elasticity should you have. There is no number. But you can judge as is mentioned in the book Dear Ijeawele "Because when there is true equality, resentment does not exist"

And yes ultimately , marriage is a teamwork. At its core its a teamwork of two individuals. Its a game of cooperation between two individuals with different preferances. The ideal state is to reach a Nash equilibrium where each one of the husband and wife try to make the best decision possible taking into account the other's decision assuming the other party doesn't change his decision.

P.S. the above post is a microeconomics viewpoint not taking so many examples of how external forces affect. That for sometime later.
This is my last post in the series of consecutive posts for my marriage Anniversary. Will continue writing on this topic again as well, but the consecutive posts end

#weddinganniversary #marriedlife #marriage #marriageeconomics

-Dhanashree

On becoming a wife...

For the first 26 years of my life, I was only the daughter of my parents. May 27 2013 formally added a new relationship in my life- I got married and became my husband's wife( Majhya Navryachi Bayko- in the current marathi serial style if I may say). As our hindi movies have sadly depicted it- " Ladki to paraya dhan hoti hain" , so on 27 May 2013 , the " paraya dhan" was given away so to say. What did my family give away or what was that "dhan"?

Was it the endless times that my family sacrificed their personal "me" priorities just for me?

Was it the learning ability they built in me over the years by investing their significant time and effort in me?

Was it the amazing time I had during summer vacations that we were not sent to summer camps because caregivers at home needed a few hours off without getting the blame of sending the child to a creche?

Was it the confidence that they built in me over years by being there with me in my toughest times?

The list can go on....and is probably endless. The list of "dhan" or this wealth of upbringing is endless. But let me cut it short here.My point is when a girl gets married, parents just don't send a girl to another house, they send years of raising a confident young lady who can set up a family. They have probably taken as much efforts or even more to raise her as compared to a boy.So let marriage be a symbol of pride to the girls family - to have raised a superwoman.

I feel I was blessed to have a royal childhood surrounded by people who cared for me. When people say they like my writings, it is my childhood village at work who still motivates me. Hence though becoming a wife has added new relationships to my life but the power and the attachment of my older relations has only grown.

Dedicated to all girls and their parents and extended families....

#weddinganniversary #marriedlife #5yearsofmarriedlife #reflections #majhyanavryachibayko

-Dhanashree

Of giving up..

In 2014, I had the opportunity to visit my husband's alma mater IIM Calcutta for the first time. As soon as I entered the campus, I could sense a feeling of "chill". The same might not be felt by the students but as a visitor visting a campus which has 7 lakes and gentle breeze overflowing , I felt at peace. I remembered William Wordsworth saying - " What is this life if full of care, we have no time to stand and stare?" I felt like just sitting by the lake and staring at the gentle waves doing nothing. I had barely completed one year of married life by then and the IIM Calcutta campus seemed more romantic than academic to me at that point in time.

In the first year of marriage, as far as my experience goes everything seemed so rosy , carefree and devoid of any responsibility. Just as I was touring the campus , I noticed this statement written " Perpetual giving up is the eternal truth of life" . It was a statement made by Ravindranath Tagore.

Perpetual giving up, what is that? Giving up all the rat race to lead a peaceful life, giving up money , what was that? But yeah we were on a vacation then and I did want to imagine or think of more profound thoughts. Hence we just clicked a pic there and left.

Our daughter was born in 2015. I believe nobody is trained to be a parent, we all figure it out alongside that journey obviously with help from parents, elders and friends. From being DINK ( Double Income No Kids) couple we became DISK( Double Income Single Kid) couple. Parenthood adds another dimension in your relationship as a couple. It involves giving up certain things you did previously because you have a little one to care for. It means giving up on sleep at times, it means trying to maintain your sanity and giving up on your anger. It also means acceptance of the new situation and giving up on the old.

More years of marriage also means giving up on things which you can't change in your partner. It means accepting what is workable.

As I write this, I feel giving up sometimes means peace. How much should you give up? Why should you give up? All this is very person dependent. But you can judge as is mentioned in the book Dear Ijeawele "Because when there is true equality, resentment does not exist".I only know one thing- try this out in your relationship once- give up on low priority disagreements. Try it once. Its hard but it gives peace. Coz " Perpetual giving up is the eternal truth of life" . As I went to IIM Calcutta this year and saw this statement again, I couldn't agree more.

Try giving up once , try being an unconditionally yours for your spouse sometimes. I had read this word unconditionally yours sometime back- in the context of unconditionally being available for someone. Try being that unconditionally yours for your spouse. I am trying that too. Its difficult but hey whats life without any challenge?

- Dhanashree

p.s - this is from my series of posts on  account of my 5th wedding anniversary
the pic is an old pic from 2014
#weddinganniversary #5yearsofmarriedlife
#marriedlife

5 saal baad-- 5th wedding anniversary

Time has this amazing ability of passing fast when looked at in hindsight. 2 days later I complete 5 years of married life or its my 5th wedding anniversary so to say. I still remember the day when my husband had asked me out. It felt too much filmy style when he proposed as he was driving in the midst of the crowded tilak bridge. There were butterflies in my stomach. My friend for the past few years had asked me for marriage. " pyar dosti hain?" I thought. How do I tell this home, I wondered. And now it is more than 5 years since that incident . Looking back at those initial days still makes me feel so much in innocent love, romance and carefree life. The meaning of love has changed over the years. If if meant going out on dinner dates or impromptu long drives then, it means taking turns to change our daughter's diapers now. Parenthood changed the dimensions of our relationship as I think does happen with every couple. A part of us took control of our life, our time. Her innocent smiles and cute hugs brought us more joy than anything else. They still do. While we missed the couple- only time, there were no regrets. We had our sets of challenges though- managing with less sleep in the recent past , managing our daughter along with an equally demanding job and so on. We have fought over who will take turns in brushing her teeth to who will stay awake with her to whose work takes more priority in case one of us needs to be there for her on a work day.

In the past 5 years, we might have not celebrated anniversaries by taking trips or going to 5 star hotels, we might have sometimes not been there to party with each other due to work commitments. But we have always been there with each other during our toughest times. Be it motivating each other to learn new things or thinking of coping strategies to deal with stress or just hearing it out from each other. We have never been short of time in such cases. We have tried to adapt, and still do- to take care of both of our interests.

Ours may not be a perfect relationship , but the underlying feeling of love remains and that is what sails us through. The meaning of love has adapted too -from just going on dates to a much wider meaning. As I come close to my 5th anniversary-I couldn't but help reflect on the past 5 years and think of how we have grown as a couple. Always thinking about how we miss the initial dating days is always written and talked about- but all things have to age. Every stage in a relationship has its own charm and it is up to us to enjoy. With this I end my post and hope for many more years of fun and companionship with my best friend i.e. my husband.

-Dhanashree