R.I.P Aisha

 "Aisha De Sequeira , Co Head Morgan Stanley India passes away". As I came to know about it yesterday,   I was in shock. What happened to her? I remembered her boys- who must be school going now. What would they do without her? 

My mind raced back to 2012. It was summers- my summer internship at Morgan Stanley India Investment Banking division. I was recruited at IIM Bangalore campus for an Investment Banking intern role in their Mumbai office.  Aisha De Sequeira was the head of Investment Banking division. In a field where men outnumbered women, Aisha led the team. I was always in awe of her personality. She was very inspirational, impressive and had an infectious smile. I would always wonder how she managed work and family both- especially her 3 boys. 

My desk location was next to one of the bay doors.  Whenever Aisha passed by my side she would smile  and ask me how I was doing. Initially, I was a bit hesitant to talk to her directly. Her smiles generated that comfort over time. In a couple of one on one interactions that we had ,she was very friendly. As an intern , it meant a lot to me. I met her once post my internship too.  She then was co-head Morgan Stanley along with being the head of Investment banking.

 I had a google alert setup with Aisha's name to read her stories. I don't know how I missed the story where she shared about undergoing cancer treatment. Hence when I read news of her death, I was shocked.

As I write this, I am feeling sad that she is no more. She was an inspiration. May god give strength to her family and may her soul rest in peace.

हैप्पी बर्थडे बाबा

आज माझ्या बाबांचा वाढदिवस -कितवा ते महत्वाचा नाही. महत्वाचं हे कि अजूनही ते तरुणच आहेत. काम करण्याचा त्यांचा उत्साह आणि चिकाटी मला लाजवेल अशी आहे.

बाबांचं जन्म वेंगुर्ल्यात झाला. दहावीपर्यंत ते तिकडे शिकले आणि मग सायन्स कॉलेजसाठी मुंबईला आले.

बाबांच्या लहानपणी घरची आर्थिक परिस्तिथी जेमतेमच होती. पण त्या परिस्तिथीत सुद्धा बाबांनी अभ्यास करून उत्तम यश मिळवले. scholarship मिळवली. बाबांना वाचनाची प्रचंड आवड आहे. पपेरसुद्धा ते अगदी पूर्णपणे वाचतात. त्यांचं drawing उत्तम आहे. लहानपणी ते कविता करायचे. मला जेव्हा बाबांचे गावातले मित्र , ओळखीचे भेटतात तेव्हा बाबांच्या हुशारीबद्दल नेहेमीच कौतुक असतं .

मुंबईत आल्यानंतर त्यांनी पार्ले कॉलेज( साठ्ये कॉलेज) मध्ये सायन्स साठी प्रवेश घेतला. त्यानंतर त्यांना इंजिनीरिंग साठी V.J.T.I मध्ये प्रवेश मिळाला. माझे बाबा V.J.T.I मधून B.E (Mechanical ) डिग्री होल्डर आहेत. मुंबईत १० बाय १० च्या एका खोलीत राहण्यापासून ते स्वतःच घर घेण्यापर्यंतचा प्रवास मला नेहेमीच प्रेरित करतो. मुंबईत नवीन असून 35व्या वर्षी बाबांनी मुंबईत स्वतःचा एक फ्लॅट घेतला ही किती मोठी गोष्ट आहे हे मला स्वतःचा संसार सुरु झाल्यावर कळलं.

लहानपणी बाबा मला अंघोळ घालून शाळेसाठी रेडी करून मग ऑफिसला जायचे. Maths चा अभ्यास तेच घ्यायचे .अगदी कॉलेजमध्ये असतानासुद्धा मला बाबांचं खूप मार्गदर्शन होतं बाबांमुळे मी फोकस करायला शिकले. बाबांचं म्हणणं हेच, कि तू दहा गोष्टींकडे लक्ष देऊ नकोस. एक- दोन गोष्टी कर पण त्या अगदी टॉप कर . दुसरी बाबांची शिकवण म्हणजे काहीही नवीन सिनेमा असो, शॉपिंग असो, आपलं काम संपवून मग ते करायचं .त्यामुळेच कंटाळा आला म्हणून फिरायला गेलो आणि काम तिकडेच असं मी कधीच करत नाही. मी IIM मध्ये असताना सुद्धा homesick झाले, किव्वा थोडा स्ट्रेस वाटला तरी बाबा मला भेटायला यायचे.

बाबांचं घरात सगळ्या कामात लक्ष असतं आणि ते काम करतात सुद्धा. त्यामुळे मुलांना हे जमत नाही, करत नाही ह्या मागासलेल्या संस्कृतीची मला अजिबात सवय नाही.

माझ्या बाळंतपणासाठी आई मुंबईला आली असताना माझ्या बाबांनी बंगलोरला स्वयंपाक केला. तेव्हा बाबा आणि आई भावाबरोबर बंगलोरला होते.

माझ्या मोठ्या मुलीला जवळजवळ २ वर्षांपर्यंत माझ्या आई, बाबा आत्यांनीच सांभाळलं . तेव्हा मला आठवतंय मला एका नातेवाइकाने सांगितलं होतं - " आजोबांकडून नातवंडाला सांभाळण्याची अपेक्षा कारणच चुकीच आहे " . मला ते फार विचित्र वाटलं - एका परदेशी शिकलेल्या मुलीचे इतके बुरसटलेले विचार कसे असू शकतात . नंतर लक्षात आलं कि तिच्या बाबांनी तिच्यासाठी किंवा घरासाठी नोकरीशिवाय काही केलं नसल्यामुळे, पुरुष मुलांना सांभाळू शकतात हे तिला पटत नव्हतं.

माझे बाबा माझ्या मुलीला भरवायचे, शी सु चा diaper सुद्धा बदलायचे.

गेल्या सात वर्षात मी आणि माझ्या नवऱ्याने अनेक घरं बदललीत. त्या शिफ्टिंग मध्ये , आमच्या बरोबरचा कॉन्स्टन्ट सपोर्ट म्हणजे बाबा. सपोर्ट काय, खरा सांगायचं तर त्यांनीच आमचं शिफ्टिंग केल . गेल्या वर्षी डिसेंबर मध्ये मी नवीन ठिकाणी शिफ्ट झाले. त्यावेळेला माझ्याबरोबर ३ महिन्याचा बाळ होतं . बाबासोडून आम्हाला दुसरं कोणीही मदत करायला नव्हतं . मावशी मला १० दिवस मैत्रिणीकडून आणलेला डबा पोचवत होती. त्या घरात शिफ्टिंग च्या आधी गॅस लावण्यापासून , साफ सफाई करून घेण्यापासून ते सगळं सामान लावेपर्यंत बाबा आमच्यासोबत होते. ते करण्यासाठी ते मालाड ते दादर येत होते. आम्ही शिफ्ट झाल्याच्या २-३ दिवसानंतर माझ्या नवऱ्याचा मित्र भेटायला आला होता. २-३ दिवसातच एवढं कसं लावून झालं हे बघून तो आश्चर्यचकित झाला. सगळी बाबांची कमाल होती.

लोक मोठे मोठे शब्द वापरतात - आम्ही मुलांना exposure देतो, हे करतो ते करतो. बाबा स्वतःची शोबाजी करणार नाहीत. पण माझ्यासाठी जे त्यांनी केलाय त्याला मी women empowerment म्हणते. त्यांचा आधार, ते कधीही माझ्यासाठी धावून येतील हा विश्वास, माझ्या मुलींची काळजी घेतील हा कॉन्फिडन्स त्यामुळे मी नोकरी करू शकते आणि माझ्या मुलींसमोर एक करिअर ओरिएंटेड वूमन चा आदर्श ठेऊ शकते.

- धनश्री

Happy Birthday Meena Atya

 It is my Aunt's 75th birthday today. We stayed together and she took care of us while we were growing up. Despite living in the same city, we did not meet today because of COVID social distancing protocol . They are senior citizens and I felt it was best to talk on phone and celebrate. Atya also did not force me to visit, she will never put others in a difficult situation anyway. I wrote a small write up on her, and it covers just maybe 1 % of what she did for us.

I could go on and on writing, this is just a small start maybe

माझ्या मीना आत्याचा आज पंच्याहत्तरावा वाढदिवस आहे . पंच्याहत्तर म्हणजे लोक म्हातारं म्हणतात. काही लोक आम्ही केस रंगवतो आणि मेकअप करतो म्हणून आम्ही तरुणचं आहोत असं म्हणतात. काही लोक वय हे काम न करण्याचं excuse म्हणून वापरतात. माझ्या आत्याचं असं काहीच म्हणणं नसतं . जे आहे ते आहे. आपल्याला जमेल ते, पटेल ते आणि आपल्या संस्कारात बसेल ते करत रहावं असं तिचं म्हणणं असतं . लोकांचं चांगलं घ्यावं आणि वाईट सोडून द्यावं.

मीना आत्या शाळेत शिक्षिका होती. भूगोल, मराठी , संस्कृत, इंग्लिश हे विषय तिने शिकवले. ती आर्टस् ग्रॅजुएट आणि बी. एड. आहे. ग्रॅजुएशन झाल्यानंतर पोस्टग्रॅज्युएशन कर असे तिला तिचे शिक्षक सांगत होते. पण घरच्या परिस्तिथीमुळे नोकरी करणं गरजेचं होतं . लहानपणापासून आत्याला स्पोर्ट्सची आवड होती. कॅरम हा तर तिचा आवडता खेळ आणि त्यात तिने बक्षीसंही मिळवली आहेत . अगदी हल्लीचीच गोष्ट - २०१६ साली गावी गेली असताना सिंधुदुर्ग जिल्ह्यातील सिनियर सिटीझन कॅरम स्पर्धेत तिला बक्षीस मिळालं . मीना आत्या बद्दल लिहायला गेलं तर खूप आहे . इतकं की त्याबद्दल एक पुस्तकंच होईल. आठवणी खूप आहेत - वाढदिवसानिमित्त सुरुवात तरी करतेय.

लहानपणापासून मी ,आई ,बाबा ,माझा भाऊ, आत्या आणि आजी एकत्र राहतोय. आजी, आई बाबा, आत्यांनी आम्हाला वाढवलं . माझा भाऊ झाल्यानंतर बाय आत्या ( आमच्या वरच्या माळ्यावर राहायची) आम्हाला शाळेत सोडायची आणि मीना आत्या शाळेतून आणायची. अजूनही मी आईकडे गेले की लोकं याची आठवण काढतात. समजा मीना आत्याला काही काम असेल त्यावेळी, किंवा बाय आत्याला काही काम असेल , तर त्या आपसात ऍडजस्ट करायच्या . माझ्या आईला कधी मुलांना शाळेत सोडण्याचा प्रश्न सोडवावा लागला नाही, किंवा मुलांना कोण सांभाळणार हा प्रश्न पण कधी सोडवावा लागला नाही . आत्या आम्हाला अभ्यासात मार्गदर्शन करायची. वक्तृत्व स्पर्धेसाठी लायब्ररीतुन पुस्तक आणायची , काय लिहायचं ते सांगायची. वेगवेगळ्या परीक्षांसाठी बसायला प्रोत्साहन द्यायची.

माझी आई एअर इंडियात होती. त्यामुळे लहान असताना आम्ही विमानाने फिरायला जायचो. आजीबरोबर सोबत पाहिजे म्हणून आत्या थांबायची. कधीही तिने - तुमचं बाबा बरं आहे, तुम्हाला फिरायला मिळतं असं म्हटलं नाही. हल्ली असं बोलणारे लोकं सर्रास दिसतात , म्हणून आत्याच्या स्वभावाचं जास्तच कौतुक वाटतं. आत्या आम्हाला गावाला घेऊन जायची - मी, भाऊ आणि आत्या. आत्या अजून कुठे गेली तर आईला सुट्टी घ्यावी लागेल म्हणून आत्या आम्हाला घेऊन गावाला जायची. मे महिन्याचा सुट्टीत आम्ही खूप मजा करायचो. आत्या आमच्याबरोबर चेस, कॅरम, पत्ते खेळायची. मुख्य म्हणजे आम्हाला सांभाळायला लागतं म्हणून सुट्टीत समर कॅम्पला टाक अशी तिने माझ्या आई बाबांवर कधीही जबरदस्ती केली नाही. आत्या आणि आजीमुळे आमच्या सुट्ट्या मस्त carefree अख्खा दिवस खेळण्यात गेल्या.

आत्याचा शाळेतल्या ६ मैत्रिणींचा ग्रुप. कधी कधी मैत्रिणींनी भेटायला बोलावलं , आणि आमची काही परीक्षा असेल, आजीला काही बरं नसेल तर आत्या जायची नाही. आमच्यासाठी, घरासाठी थांबायची. अर्थात म्हणजे आई हे तेच करायची घर पहिलं. हल्ली - मी लहान मुलाला सोडून कशी फिरायला गेले हे मिरवण्याची पद्धत आहे. पण माझी आत्या आमच्यासाठी थांबली - एकदा नाही अनेकदा. नुसता माझ्यासाठी नाही , माझ्या मुलींसाठीसुद्धा . मी बंगलोरला असताना माझ्या आईला मुंबईला येण्याची गरज होती. तेव्हा मीना आत्या वेंगुर्ल्याला जाणार होती, तिकीट बुक होतं . पण ती माझ्या गरजेसाठी , मुलीला सांभाळण्यासाठी बंगलोरला आली. आत्याला मी विचारलं --" हल्ली स्वतःच्या मुलांसाठी , नातवंडांसाठी पण कोणी असं करत नाही, तू किती केलंस ". त्यावर तिचं म्हणणं -" मी माझ्या नातीसाठी केलं , तुला त्रास होऊ नाय, तू आमची म्हणून केलं ".

पैशाच्या बाबतीत, एकूणच आमच्या घरात काटकसरी आणि नसता खर्च न करण्याचं वातावरण होतं . मी नोकरीला लागल्यावर आत्याने मला savings करण्याची सवय लावली . ती सवय असल्यामुळे मला MBA च्या फीसाठी खूप फायदा झाला. स्वतःचा वाढदिवस आला की काही लोकांना स्वतःच कौतुक, गिफ्ट्स घेण्याची सवय असते. कधी कधी तर आपण हे घेऊया का? असं म्हणून वाट्टेल ती महागडी गिफ्ट्स लोक मुलांकडून घेतात. आत्याची अशी वृत्ती नाही. आमच्या घरात कोणाचीच अशी वृत्ती नाही .

आता सर्वात महत्वाचं - माझी आई आणि आत्या एकत्र राहिल्या.संसारिक डावपेच कळायला लागल्यावर बायका किती डॅम्बीस आणि राजकारण करणाऱ्या असू शकतात हे बघितलं . माझ्या आईने आणि आत्याने दोघीनींही हे केलं नाही. मी माझ्या आईला फोन केला आणि आत्याला काही सांगायला सांगितलं तर ते तसंच नक्की सांगितलं जाणार हे माहीत आहे आणि आत्याला फोन केला तरी तेच. आई आम्ही लहान असताना काही खायला बनवायची ते आई ऑफिसला गेली असताना आत्या आम्हाला द्यायची- त्यामध्येही राजकारण करून मुलांची वाट लावणारे असतात. तसं आत्याने केल नाही. हल्ली घरातली कामं करायची नसतील तर लोक शनिवार रविवार बाहेर पडतात. आत्या तसं करू शकली असती, आणि माझी आईसुद्धा तसं करु शकली असती. म्हणजे दुसऱ्यावर , जो घरी आहे त्यावर काम ढकलायचे . दोघीनींही तसं केलं नाही.

लिहिण्यासारखं खूप आहे, ते लिहीनच . सर्वात महत्वाचं , आत्या माझ्या गरजेच्या वेळेला उभी राहिली . तेव्हा तिला अनेक पर्याय होते- नुसता आराम करण्याचा , जग भटकण्याचा , ..पण ती माझ्यासाठी धावून आली . म्हातारपणी सगळ्यांना मुलं , नातवंडं आठवतात कारण जेव्हा चालण्याची ताकत नसते तेव्हा सगळ्यांनाच नाती आठवतात. पण माझ्या आत्याला मी प्रायोरिटी वाटले तिला ऑपशन्स असताना, यांतच सगळं आलं

-धनश्री

Aaji

13^th August was  my Aajis birth anniversary. Had she been alive she would have been 107 years old. Aaji was born in the Kamat family of Banda in the Sawantwadi district in  Konkan. She was the second eldest amongst 4 siblings, 2 brothers and 1 sister. Aaji was named Saraswati, which means the goddess of knowledge. She was fondly called as “Tai”. After marriage, Aaji moved to Vengurla. My grandfather’s family business was a grocery store in Vengurla which was started by my great – grandfather.

Aaji had 5 children, 4 daughters and one son; my dad being the youngest. Aaji spent the major part of her life in Konkan( almost 60+ years). Still when she came to Bombay( as it was called then) , she adapted pretty quickly. Aaji came to permanently live in Bombay in around late 70’s.

 Aaji was the one who raised us ( along with my aunts), she was the one due to whom my mom could work in peace. Aaji did not go to native again because if she goes taking care of us would be a problem. My aaji would help in cooking as long as she could. Aaji would  help my mom make laddoos for us every 15 days( that time she was 80+). She was not the “ now – my – daughter in law – is – here – I should – just -chill -type- mother -in -law”. For aaji, the happiness of her children and her son’s family was of paramount importance. She would tell us to study and ensured we followed discipline. 

I remember a small incident , both my aaji and maternal grandma used to make pickles during summer. I would like both the pickles, but I liked my maternal grandma’s pickle more. Whenever my maternal grandma gave me pickle, aaji would feed me maternal grandma made pickle. She did not have the -I will purposely not feed anything given from the maternal side attitude. My mom never had to worry whether we are well fed or taken care of when she was in office.

Aaji wore a nine yard saree, she would look a bit traditional. But she was probably more modern in thought than some of the fashionable looking people. She chanted shlokas but never insisted upon us to blindly follow rituals. We had pujas, prasad etc but the most important thing she said is doing the right things. We need to be honest, sincere  , helping fellow human beings only then god helps us. Another thing I remember if there was a work commitment that coincided with a puja, aaji put work first.

 Aaji always believed women should work. She told me no matter what, a woman should earn so much to sustain herself independently.

 Aaji was very focused on her “sansar” – She would say “ Apla aaplya sansarakade laksha pahije” – means we should pay attention to our sansar. No matter how many helps you have, you should know what is going on and never leave the full house under their control. This has served me well more specially in covid times. Because I was always used to home management and chores, the no help in covid times are manageable.

 Aaji never played home politics. For her, her kids were more important than her ego massaging. If I have enjoyed the benefits of joint family , it is due to aaji giving it a direction and all the rest aligned with the intentions.

.Aaji’s wish was she should be able to be present at my brothers thread ceremony and my sisters( eldest aunts daughter) wedding before she dies. Both those events were planned in 2001 and 2002( she was 88 then). She could witness both these events. 

In 2002, she was hospitalized for around 22 days for sever cough and related illness in BPT hospital, Vadala. My mom and my aunt would do hospital duty daily alternating between day and night.. My eldest aunt and my dad took care of us while they were in hospital.  This was my aaji’s sanskar- family comes together in crisis and not only for get-togethers. I have always got the strong support of my family and that is the reason why I am able to have a career alongwith kids.

In 2006, aaji feel sick , a mild paralysis I would say. She did not get better after that and passed away in 2006.

P.S. There are many things and lessons I learnt from aaji, which cannot be covered in one post. But this is my gratitude post to one of the most influential woman in life

 

Crowd

 In the morning it was all empty

Then the numbers increased

One by one taking up the space

As more people were wanting to get in

I looked at it and thought to control the numbers then

But work took priority

Let the crowd increase

I will look later I said

Finally as I wrapped up my work

I unloaded the crowd one by one

And soon there was no one

Because nothing gives more peaceful sleep

Than a clean kitchen sink

.-Dhanashree

I am not flexible

 

Sima aunty, are you listening? Poem based on the latest show on Netflix - Indian Matchmaking 

Every relationship is a give and take

With a lot of mutual respect

I am nice that way

But don’t take me for granted

I am not flexible, not compromising my principles is my mandate

 

Respect is to be earned

I don’t care what is your age

Paay laagu,I won’t do unless you are worthy of it in the first place

I am not flexible, not compromising my principles is my mandate

 

Family is a joint venture

With everyone pitching to help

No matter how busy you are, find time for the same

Excuses to evade housework won’t be entertained

I am not flexible, not compromising my principles is my mandate

 

Adjustment is both ways, not a one sided game

I am not flexible, not compromising my principles is my mandate

 

-Dhanashree

 

My Tribe

She knew I was just a kid aged 5
Knowing not more than playing and doing hi-fi
She ensured I read and write
And gave me the precious gift of time

He knew I was worried about exams
Whether I would do well or screw them
He ensured he gave me his time
And guided me in that phase then

She knew I loved delicious food
She kept it ready and it tasted too good
I couldn't cook then or swiggy it
But she made sure I was fed well atleast

She knew I had no help
And 2 babies to look
Without asking "Should I help"
She got me cooked food

He knew I had a meeting
And no time to do grocery shoppy
Without any ado, he asked me what should I buy for you

In my times of need
Am blessed to find these wonderful people indeed
The gift of god
What more could I ask for
These people are my tribe
And may it grow further in this lifetime

 -Dhanashree

Beyond the 'I'

 Corona has changed our lives in ways unimaginable. The effects are felt by everyone. One of the things is the social lessons of Covid . Sharing a poem reflecting some similar thoughts ...

I will travel

No one can stop me , she said
Then corona came and she had to wait

I cannot sit at home
No one can stop me , she said
Then corona came and she had to be home bound instead

I won't cook
I have a cook she said
Then corona came, her cook left , she had to cook herself

I cannot live in a small house
I need a big house she said
Then corona came- with job cuts forcing her to shift to smaller rentals instead

I will do this
No one can stop me she said
Then corona came forcing her to acknowledge a greater force instead

We do not know what the post corona world looks like
What is the new normal like?
All I know is
Covid , temporarily atleast , reminded people that there is something beyond the 'I'
And if they are wise enough, reminded them it's not too late to drop senseless egos.

-Dhanashree

How the dosa batter saved my life

It's said if you are a South Indian you will always have a dosa batter ready in the fridge. I am a Maharashtrian which basically means I am a North Indian or South Indian depending on whether you are from Madras or Delhi. In the BC era which is before covid era, we made dosas once a week, typically for breakfast or my husband's dinner sometimes. The batter quantity was such that it lasted us for 2 meal times( 2 breakfasts, breakfast dinner etc). 

It's now the AC era or the after COVID era. It's the era the transformed me from making doses once a week to having dosa batter ready for any time of the week. Dosa are my savior these days.  Their best use to me now is as an ideal 6 pm snack. When you know it's going to be a long day , dinner will be post 9 pm; a heavy evening snack becomes essential. I had stopped making snacks due to lack of time but hunger won in the end.  The advantage of having dosas as evening snack is that they can literally be made within no time. Take a tea break. One gas stove has tea and the other two gas stoves have dosa pans so that two dosas get made in parallel. So literally you can make 5-6 dosas within less than 10 mins. They go with tea or sambar / chutney whatever is available.  I can truly say that Dosa batter has saved my life in these busy times.

But then having dosas of only the urad dal  and rice batter mixture gets boring. So I have a variety of dosa batters /dhirda / ghawan batters in the week.  Bhakti tai's theme on dosa and ghawan  prompted me to write this and share what kinds of dosas I make

1) Regular dosa: Batter has rice to urad dal in 2:1 ratio.Soak overnight, grind and allow to ferment. I either make it or buy it depending on time and availability. 

2) Onion uttapam- Add onions to this batter and make thick dosas, this makes onion uttapam

3)Wheat rava dosa - Wheat flour and rava in 2:1 ratio add salt and ginger green chilli paste make batter of dosa consistency. Advantage of this is it is instant , no need of fermentation 

4) Moong dal chilla- Soak yellow moong dal overnight ,grind it, add rava, lal tikha, salt . No need of waiting to ferment

5) Moong dosa or Pesaratu- I have ready moong dal dosa powder to which I add salt, grated ginger garlic chilli powder and make the batter. If you want to make it at home, soak moong overnight and grind to paste next morning

6 ) Ghawan/ Rice dosa/ Neer dosa- Rice flour and salt make it as a flowy batter . I also use the rice dosa mix by taste for life. To that just add water and make the dosas . They go very well with coconut chutney

7) Ragi dosa - Ragi flour and urad dal in 2:1 proportion. Udal dal soak overnight. Grind next day mix with ragi flour allow to ferment and make dosas post that

8) Besan dhirda/ Besan ghawan/ Tomato omlette- Besan, Tomato chopped, onion chopped, lal tikha , ginger garlic paste salt. Make a dosa like batter.

9) Jowar ghavan- Jowar flour, chilli garlic paste, salt. Add some rava if you want. 

10) Gulache pole/Jaggery pancakes- Wheat flour and jaggery in equal proportion. Melt the jaggery, mix with Wheat flour add water. Nice sweet dosas. 

11) Mixed millet dosas- Mix various flours , add some remaining dal, gi ger chilli paste and you can have variety of flavourful combos. Adding sooji/rava to this gives a nice crunch

12) Amboli- An Amboli is a bit of a Konkan thing somewhere between a dosa and an uthapa. I make it using the ready Amboli mix. Tastes yummy.

I cannot believe I hardly have any dosa pics with me🤦🤦Hence sharing the ragi dosa pic I  have

-Dhanashree

What is your hands on parenting quotient?

The other day my husband and I were having a general conversation. He made a statement that will linger on my mind for long and I will forever remember that. It was "D, how our personal and professional life shapes up also depends on how hands on we are in raising our kids." What does being hands on parent mean? So I would say how much of parenting you delegate and how much and what you do determines

 how much hands on you are. Is it bad to delegate? Absolutely not! In today's world where both spouse's work,some part of parenting will always be delegated. How much is that part and how is the delegation managed is the question.

When I was at home, I would make sure my daughter is fed all meals which are healthy. If there is help and the help doesn't make it as per my style, I will take control and do it. I will spend time with my daughter instead of engaging her in n-number of classes so as to have my free time.  This is my parenting style. Now for someone, who wants more free time or is not so concerned about their child's meals, they will not have the mental load of spending time or bothering what their child has eaten. Hence they will always have more time for other pursuits in life either professional or hobbies. 

Why is this discussion even relevant? In today's world there are a lot of working women. Parenting brings a lot of changes , more for the mother but also for the fathers.  The career progression after parenthood will largely be impacted by how hands on parent you are. I am not talking about impact in a negative sense. The impact will be determined by how hands on you want to be in parenting. Let's say you have a year old child and get an international assignment which might take your career to a different level. If at that point you want to be near your child, you will not get to choose that career path. A lot of people will tell you - " Take that assignment. Kids turn out fine. They are resilient". My question is "How resilient are you?" That is the question we need to ask.

A lot of people are ok with the nanny feeding junk food, showing mobile screen to the kids because they have become dependent on her. Even if I were dependent, I will find a replacement to her. Someone else might say, " Our kids grew up eating biscuits and nothing bad happened"  My point is good kids are not necessarily an outcome of good parenting and bad kids are not necessarily an outcome of bad parenting. You can always post facto rationalize your parenting style. But if you truly want good for your kid, you will do what good means to your conscience. 

For someone, leaving a 9 month old behind with family for a trip might not be a big deal . For someone else it might be. Kids will grow up fine ,because just as parents don't have choice of how their kids turn out, kids don't have choice how their parents are.

Hence the next time someone tells you why don't you do this -some xyz baby turned out fine- tell them your hands-on parenting quotient is different from theirs or wait ignore them and tell this to yourself.

#dsaidso

#mydaughtermyteacher

#parenting

Shared Parenting

The other day I was a bit unwell. So much so that I wasn't able to get up and was feeling feverish. Husband equally tired from a long day and late from office, immediately handled the kids and did some basic household chores like filling water bottles etc which is normally done by me. He did all this without me telling him to do this. Core feminists might say there is nothing great about it. So what if my husband does this? It is great because it's an improvement from earlier times when I had to tell him to do certain things and he would not even understand sometimes. Now this is happening seamlessly. This to me is what shared parenting is all about - It's not just about sharing the chores on the list ,it is moving away from Do as Directed to taking ownership of execution as well as mental load.

Why is shared parenting required?

Purely, because when both the partners engage in child rearing, it becomes enjoyable for both as well as less stressful had it been done by one parent predominantly. It helps in binding with kids for both the parents. With today's nuclear family structure , it becomes imperative that both the partners share the load. Even if you have household help, there are still certain things you might need to do and there will obviously be mental load of tasks to be done.  Also 100% dependance on household help is risky as they take advantage of the dependence sometimes. Hence shared parenting is required. Shared parenting does not mean exact 50-50 division of tasks. It means division in a way such that both the spouse's get time to pursue their other ambitions. Sometimes the child rearing  load might be more on the spouse whose the professional load is lighter and vice versa. But over a period of time it evens out.

What are the roadblocks to shared parenting? What are the possible solutions to them?

Patriarchal mindset- Why should men do this? It's a women's job. Plus we can hire help. Why should a man be involved in all this? Log kya kahenge mindset - beta bacche ka diaper badalta hain

Solution- This one takes time. Mindset change is individual as well as societal pressure helps. Ads by Ariel like Share the load sort of help in driving home the message. Also because we emulate the west - showing that in the west people do things on their own should help in changing the mindset. Give the example of Sharmaji ka beta from USA .

There is help available mindset-   There is affordable household help available in India, why do this on our own. So delegate. 

Solution- Not everything can be delegated. Also if it can be , what about the mental load about this management if househelp? What about their sick days? We need to drive this point strongly.

Women not letting go- Women expecting perfection and hence refusing to delegate

Solution - This is a tuff one. Women being perfectionist,  want things to be done in exactly one way. Women must realise that even if things are not done in their way they want but done in a reasonably ok way, the world will not come to an end. For example if your husband gives bath to your child in a diferent way than yours , it's ok. 

Income factor - The factor that women's salary is much lower, hence she can stay at home so that husband can fully focus on work. The combined family income due to this will still be higher

Solution - Men need to understand that job is not merely a source of income , it's much more for women. Two jobs also help in risk diversification in volatile times. 

Joint family -  Joint families are great support systems if they want to help. But they are the worst if big egos are involved. If the elders especially elder women in the family want to trouble the daughter in law, they will ensure she doesn't get her husband's support and brainwash him against shared parenting.

Solution : Men need to be smartly told that what difference their help makes and how it positively impacts babies. Once they realise that, then they generally are willing to contribute

Shared parenting is the only way forward for us to progress as a society. So the sooner we go there, the better it is.

#dsaidso

#mydaughtermyteacher

#parenting

-Dhanashree.

Https://dsaidso.blogspot.com

भाषा - the connect

आमचे इस्त्रिवाले भैया म्हणजे बाप लेक जोडी आहे. कधी बाबा येतात कधी मुलगा येतो कपडे न्यायला घ्यायला.मुलगा चेहऱ्यावरून मराठी वाटला नाही, म्हणून मी त्याच्याशी हिंदीत बोलायला सुरुवात केली. बाबा मात्र स्वतःहून माझ्याशी मराठीत बोलायला लागले. अगदी मराठी accent वाटला , आणि त्यांचा चेहरा महाराष्ट्रीय  वाटला.  ते मराठी बोलतात म्हणून त्यांच्याशी वेगळाच connect वाटला. मी सहज विचारलं, तुम्ही मराठी आहात का? ते म्हणाले, मी यूपी चा आहे, पण बरेच वर्ष महाराष्ट्रात आहे.   

बंगलोरला हॉस्टेल मध्ये होते तेव्हा इथे कोण जास्त‌ मराठी बोलणारे भेटत नाही याची खंत वाटायची मला.  मग कोणी मराठी बोलणार भेटलं की खूप मस्त वाटायचं.

माझ्या आईची आई आणि बाबांची आई दोघीही मालवणी ( कोकणी सारखी) भाषा बोलायच्या. त्या भाषेत डाळीच्या आमटीला डाळीचा सांबारा म्हणतात. आई अजूनही मराठीत बोलताना असे मालवणी शब्द वापरते. 

स्वित्झर्लंड येथील jungfraujoch ला जाणाऱ्या ट्रेन मध्ये स्वागत करण्यासाठी नमस्कार म्हटलं जातं आणि तेव्हा आपल्या हृदयात ला एक कोपरा सुखावतो. बहुतांश प्रवासी भारतीय असल्यानं त्यांनी असं केलं असावं. 

आमच्या मुलीशी आम्ही मराठी बोलतो. ती आधी फार छान इंग्लिश बोलत नसे. म्हणून आम्ही घरात इंग्लिश बोलायला सुरुवात नाही केली. आता ती इंग्लिशमध्ये सुद्धा छान बोलते. ती इंग्लिश शाळेत जाते. पण तिला उत्कृष्ट मराठी लिहिता बोलता आलं पाहिजे अशी माझी इच्छा आहे. काल mother language day होता. त्यानिमित्ताने हे लिखाण .  

#मराठी

#motherlanguageday

#unesco

-Dhanashree

https://dsaidso.blogspot.com

मोठेपणा

‌गेल्या आठवड्यात रस्त्यावरून जाताना ओळखीच्या काकू भेटल्या. माझी त्यांच्याशी फारशी ओळख नाही म्हणजे  जाता-येता दिसतात फक्त. माझ्याबरोबर माझी लेक होती. ती कुठल्या शाळेत जाते अशी  काकूंनी चौकशी केली. माझ्या लेकीनं शाळेचे नाव सांगितलं. त्यावर त्यांनी आपला नातू कुठल्या शाळेत जात होता सांगायची सुरुवात केली. (आता त्यांचा नातू कॉलेजात आहे.) तर हा त्यांचा संवाद. "माझा नातू आर्य विद्यामंदिर शाळेत जात होता. मग त्याला IG बोर्ड हवा होता. अंबानी च्या शाळेत दोनदा ट्राय केली ऍडमिशन ,पण मिळाली नाही म्हणून मग शेवटी जमनाबाई मध्ये घेतली."त्यांच्या बोलण्यात नातू इंटरनॅशनल बोर्डात जातो त्याचा भयंकर मोठेपणा होता.  मला त्यांच्या वागण्याचं  नवल वाटलं. नातू कुठल्या शाळेत जातो यावरून कसला आलाय मोठेपणा?

‌ काही लोकांना आपण मोठ्या घरात राहतो किंवा शहराच्या मध्यवर्ती ठिकाणी  राहतो याचा भारी मोठेपणा असतो. माझी आई मुंबईच्या दादरमध्ये वाढली. तिच्या माहेरचं हिंदू कॉलनीत पाच खोल्यांचं घर होतं. अतिशय मोठं घर आणि हिंदू कॉलनी सारखी सुशिक्षित सुसंस्कृत आणि पॉश लोकांची एरिया. तरीही माझ्या आईने कधीही- कधीही म्हणजे खरंच कधी एकदा सुद्धा आमचं असं मोठं घर होतं हे विधान केलेलं आठवत नाही. छोट्या घरांना तुच्छतेने बघितले असं  आठवत नाही. त्यामुळे मला घरावरून असा मोठेपणा करणाऱ्यांची खूप मजा वाटते.

‌ एकदा तर एका ओळखीच्या बाईंनी त्यांच्या मुलाला सासर्याने कसं दिल्लीचं विमान प्रवासाचं तिकीट काढून दिलं त्याचा मोठेपणा केला. मी त्यांना विचारलं तुमच्या मुलाची टिकीट काढण्याची सुद्धा ऐपत नाही का? असं म्हटल्यानंतर त्यांचा चेहरा अगदी बघण्यासारखा होता.

‌ काही लोकांना आपण किती फिरलो विशेषतः किती परदेश फिरलो याचा भारी मोठेपणा असतो. दुसरे काही विषय नसतात त्यांच्याकडे बोलायला. वाचन ,काम, अजून काही छंद,  काहीच नाही. मला म्हणायचं तुम्हाला फिरायचं होतं तुम्ही फिरला. त्याचा कसला आलाय मोठेपणा?

‌ मोठेपणा कसला आणि कुठे मारायचा त्याला सुद्धा काहीतरी सीमा असते. त्याहीपेक्षा माझ्या दृष्टीने सर्वात जास्त महत्त्व माणसाच्या वागणुकीला आहे. तो माणुसकीने वागतो का हे खरं महत्त्वाचं..बाकी  मोठेपणा करणं ही रिकामटेकड्या लोकांची कामं.

-धनश्री

#dsaidso

#randommusings

Paay lagu....

A few weeks ago, Narayan Murty touched the feet of Ratan Tata and it became a news. It was considered as a sign of humility by the Infosys founder. In Hindu tradition, touching the feet of elders is considered as a good thing. The way I grew up, we touched elders feet during festivals and maybe before important events like exams . But I don't remember it was compulsory or doing it regularly.

As I grew up, I realised this touching of feet was a very strong symbol of showing respect. Irrespective of whether you respect the person or not , if you touch his/her feet , you are 'sanskaari' . Especially if you are a girl, you are sanskaari "bahu" or "beti". Worse , if you dont do so, you might be labelled as non sanskaari.I know a friend who did not even bother when her mum was sick and went on a trip. But publicly she would always touch her mum's feet. Even at the risk of not knowing the exact equations between the two, if she did not bother about her mum , why did she need to show that paay lagu mummy every single time? To show...to show the great Indian family is all about care and respect. In an Instagram world , where life is measured by pictures, paay lagu is a sanskaari picture. It is still a very strong symbol of respect without much effort.
I remember once , my daughter had asked me , why do we touch feet , should I touch feet everytime? I told her to behave nicely to people. Touching feet comes later and is optional. That's my sanskaar to my daughter, I don't care if she appears sanskaari or non sanskaari to the world.

-Dhanashree

What motherhood taught me

 

‌My younger daughter turned 4 months on 26th January. I still remember the fag end of pregnancy when I was super tired and thinking when I will finally deliver. From that to delivery and then 4 months post delivery ,time has passed really fast.  And yes my elder one is now almost 5 years old, 4 yrs and 8 months to be precise.  My elder daughter Swara fondly referred to little 'S' in my blogposts is now big 'S' the big sister. She is the one who talks like a big sis to my younger one, and tries to calm her down while she is crying. Suddenly my tasks for Swara have come down to only feeding her food predominantly . She no longer needs  baby like supervision. To me it feels all grown up. From me managing Swara to her managing my younger one , when did all this happen- I wonder?

‌I then go back in time and think of all those times when I used to get very concerned about Swara. Why was she sleeping late , was she being fed the right stuff etc etc. When you are away from your child,you will always have these questions. I then look back at the amount of energy I expended in thinking of those things. And I can say that in some cases I spent more time in thinking about them than they deserved. Should I have not thought about them at all? No that's not correct. I should have focused on actions only, and forgotten about unnecessary analysis as people don't change. As my daughter turns 5 , when I look back and think of the good times and bad times ,  my biggest learning has been only and only to focus on factors in my control. And this is easier said than done for people who want perfection. And now as I raise my two daughters, I want to share some of my learnings-

‌1. Motherhood will get overwhelming-   Becoming parents and especially a mother can get very overwhelming. Once you become a mother, you are most important figure in your child's life. The child will demand attention all the time. You will constantly have conflicting priorities and will have to continuously strive for that elusive work and family life balance if you are working. The trick to handle this state of overwhelming feeling is to take one day at a time. Not to think too long term. For example let's say your child is not eating proper food for a couple of days. Instead of worrying about what happens to his/her long term health due to this, focus on one meal at a time. Think of how you can make him/her eat healthy food then. If he/she eats well , fine. If he/she doesn't, try this method for the next meal. The advantage of thinking like this is your brain is free of unnecessary worry clutter and you focus on task at hand. Also look at bigger picture. If a few meals out of so many meals in so many years are unhealthy, it shouldn't worry you so much.

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‌2. Your goal as parents is to teach the right morals and values to your child - In today's increasingly connected world, we cannot control what influences our children fall prey to. All we can do is teach them the right values and morals. Schools also do play a part in doing this. But we as parents should take an effort in doing this so that the children understand the difference between the right and the wrong.

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‌3. Time is the key - Time is the key , time changes a lot of things. When your child is small, you will be dependent for a lot of small stuff. But as your child grows, your dependence will reduce. Basically when you are dependent, a lot of the support system can take advantage of your dependence on them. This will change with time. When your child becomes more independent, your dependence on the support system will decrease too.

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4. It takes a village to raise a child- I  today's world , it is becoming difficult to find that village to raise a child.  The key is to identify those people in the village who are truly helpers to those whom you can turn at any time for help. Rest don't matter. They don't matter at all.Period.

5. " We raised our kids in xyz way and they turned up well." Is the most generic statement ever-  When your parenting style will differ from some elders, this is the standard argument put forth by them. If it's in good intent, its ok.  If it's to prove how they were  good parents, it's full on nonsense. First and foremost there is no proof of what happened that time. Secondly the environment was different. Thirdly even orphans turn out fine. So you get the point. A child that turns out well is not necessarily a product of great parenting and vice versa is true too. How you raise your child should be entirely you and your spouse's choice. Difficult in Indian society but this is how it should be.

6. Enjoy each phase of parenthood- Each phase of parenthood brings with it a set of joyful times as well as challenging times. Many a times we focus on only challenges and forget to enjoy in the moment. Cherish each moment as these days never come back.Maybe your baby was a lot cranky during the day. But she must have smiled too right. Focus on the smiles

7. Small things matter-The time you spend with your child matters more than material stuff. Yesterday I picked up my elder daughter in arms after a year( due to pregnancy and post csec recovery). She was overjoyed and she told everyone she met how mumma picked up in her arms. Small things for us, big things for kids.

" Kids grow up, it will all be fine" they say. It's the nature's law that  kids will grow up. This is  a good statement to say during tough times. But as parents our job is to raise them with good values and morals and leave the rest. And last but not the least do not let others judgements of your parenting style affect you even a bit.

-Dhanashree

#dsaidso #parenting #mydaughtermyteacher