The 'right' age

What is the right age to become a mother?There are scientific studies that demonstrate fertility declines as you age. Statistical correlations between career growth and age of motherhood might point something. All I know is correlation is not necessarily equal to causation. I remember Indra Nooyi saying sometime, "For a woman her biological clock and career clock will always be in conflict".

I remember a few people suggesting how a career woman should not have a child before 30. That you should first settle a bit into your career and then think of starting a family. That before 30 is simply not the right age to start a family and aspire to have a career at the same time.
There are people from my parents generation who feel the earlier you have kids, the better.

A lot of people say they like kids. Liking kids is not a sufficient condition for having your own child. Playing with someone else's child for 2 hours versus raising your own child for the entire day is an entirely different ballgame. That said, you can never be fully aware of what childcare entails until your own little one is born. So when is the right time to have a child?
According to me, when you are emotionally and financially ready to have a child, that is the right age. You can never be 100% sure of that, but should be reasonably sure.

What about the other case - what if you don't want to have a child at all? And there are hundreds others who tell you how foolish it is not to have one. Frankly I have not been in that situation. All I know is , social pressure can never be the reason to change the decision regarding having a child. Because when you decide to have a child, you and your spouse will be the primary caregiver for the child. Hence if you do not want a child, no social pressure should affect your decision.

My daughter was born in May 2015. My life completely changed after that. My clock and my timing was no longer mine. When she was born, my doctor told me, "You have to feed her every 2 hours. When she sleeps, you sleep. When she wakes up, you wake up" . For someone who was used to adequate and fixed sleep routine, this was a big change.

My daughter will turn 4 soon. Time has passed really fast. Every single day she hugs me tight and tells me I am her favourite. It feels awesome, a top of the world feeling.

But then there are other days, days when she falls sick. Days when her fever doesn't subside. Days when she's unwell and you have a very important deadline in office. Days when you don't know if you are giving proper attention to work and home both.
Days when you come and doubt yourself , was the age of 27-28 the right age to have a child? Days of frustration when you feel nothing is working out.

Over the past 4 years, I have given up many work related and personal travel opportunities. I have missed meeting many friends. Whether every new mom needs to do that , its her priority and choice. I did.

But I did all what I could when I was with my daughter. I have told her stories. I have played like a child with her. I have learnt to see through a child's inquisitive lens. My daughter is as much my teacher as I am hers. She inspires me to write. Her energy inspires me to do a lot more than I can imagine.

I still don't know if I myself had my daughter at the right age. I have penned down stuff basis what I read, heard and experienced.  In hindsight a lot of stuff can be post facto rationalised to suit the motherhood at right age or against the right age argument. But hindsight doesn't matter. All that matters is when you are financially and emotionally ready for having a child that's the right age for motherhood. And damm the world if they think  that isn't the right age. For someone may be ready for motherhood at 25 and someone else at 35.

-Dhanashree

The Travelling Dad

My husband travels pretty frequently for work. For a lot of people, travel is glamorous. But what would a person like my husband who travels frequently feel? How is it for him to be away from family? Trying to pen those feeling in my words. Any frequent flyer can relate to this. As I wrote this, I remembered Salil Kulkarni and Sandeep Khare's Marathi composition "Damlelya babachi kahani" . This song had tried to pen down similar emotions in a very very beautiful manner.

Boarding at gate 1C the lady called out
Between arrivals and departures my life moved about
You are upgarded to business, the air hostess said
Should I be happy or sad , my mind wondered instead

"Darling calling", my phone rang
"Dad, tell me the bus story", my little darling sang
" About to take off" I said sadly
"Love you beta, we'll speak tomorrow" I said convincingly

When will this flying end? I thought
My little one is growing too fast , will time wait for my story to begin
Why am I doing this, is it even worth it?
Tired and famished, I fell asleep that moment

In this cycle of life, time passes faster than I can imagine
How many stories should I miss telling I don't even want to imagine
Somewhere I need to slow down,my heart tells
But when opportunities come, head takes over instead
Between head and heart is a tough choice
I only wish my two darlings( read-wife and daughter) are happy with whatever is that choice

-Dhanashree

Why did I marry you?

" Why did I even marry you?" he asked after one of our fights.
"Even I don't know why did I marry you", I said in anger
" You just don't understand me", he said
"Sometimes even I need to be understood", I continued

We decided we will not talk to each other. Maybe we were talking too much, expecting too much. Maybe we need to give ourselves a break. Luckily we got it as he went on an official tour for the next 2 days.

" I miss you. Why do we even fight?" he said over whatsapp. Mind you, we were still not talking but texting.
" I don't know , maybe that's how its meant to be" I replied
" I am tired and miss you baby , See you tomorrow. "

I was in the - part of me loves him and part of me is angry with him emotion. Anyways it was late in night. Without thinking too much, I decided to go to sleep.

It was 8 pm and Mr. was supposed to come at 9. My maid had made thalipeeths. He doesn't like them at all I knew. Still in my confused love anger emotion, made his favourite wheat rava dosa, pomegranate juice and dal rice. Served him and continued my lying down- relaxing and book reading ritual.

" How are you feeling? " he asked as he came and gave me a foot massage
"Very relaxing"

" We love each other so much why do we even fight?" he asked
" Because I want a foot massage" I laughed
" No because I want my favourite dinner daily" he continued laughing

Maybe in the mundane or too competitive world, our fight drama and then making up keeps us going. That madness , love , friendship, anger keeps us alive. And that's certainly why I married Mr.

-Dhanashree

The "creativity" in India

"Indians study hard and get MBA, may be buy Mercedes but lack creativity"Apple co-founder Steve Woz said today. Indians can't be creative, and there cannot be any breakthrough company like Apple or Google in India is what he said. This statement might anger a lot of Indians .Before debating whether we are creative or not, I want to debate on one thing . Why should everyone be only creative? Companies are not only run by creative people. Companies need employees of varied qualifications, experience, and background in order to grow. Facebook does not only need Mark Zuckerberg but it needs those millions of coders, HR personnel, data scientists and professionals from various departments to keep it running. These people are experts in their field. The same example is true for any company. Companies like microsoft and google have Indian - origin CEOs. A company may be started by creativity but is sustained through teamwork by diverse people.

Now coming to the second point of creativity, is creativity only judged by starting a breakthrough company. No, right? We have top singers like Lataji, ashaji. Indian film industry is the largest in the world in terms of film production.
The noble prize winner for Literature Late Shri Rabindranath Tagore was an Indian.
We are a predominantly a cricket loving nation , though we also love other sports.
The late Indian mathematician Aryabhatta discovered zero on which the foundation of Mathematics rests.

What else should I say? I guess blaming and finger pointing Indians just for the heck of it has become a habit...Even our mission on mars was looked as spending money by a country which does not have basic facilities. I would only say - Kuch to log kahenge, logo ka kaam hain kehna"

Edited to add comment from my friend Saurin Gosar- Totally agree to the fact that we have a long way to go in RnD and product development. The intention behind writing this article is to not justify a false sense of Indian pride but to just remind us of our strengths in the face of such comments by global figures. Let us remember that our very own Haldi-doodh is glorified and sold by Starbucks as Turmeric latte. Our very old jowar is now gaining acceptance as a healthy whole grain named Sorghum in US. Let us be aware of our strengths and work on our weaknesses. Let us not wait for the west to acknowledge every single achievement of ours - be it food, yoga Or dabbawalas. Let us be proud of them and work on the rest to become the best.
- Dhanashree
Text of Steve wozniaks comment here: https://www.indiatoday.in/amp/technology/news/story/indians-study-hard-and-get-mba-may-be-buy-mercedes-but-lack-creativity-apple-co-founder-steve-woz-1177668-2018-02-26?__twitter_impression=true

Whose choice is it anyways?

“ I let my kids do whatever they want, its their choice” is the in thing in parenting these days. I would say not only in parenting it’s the rule that new age relations claim to follow, letting people live by their choices. But think for a while , do all the people that claim to let others live by their choices really do so? What if they influence others in a way that causes them to behave as per their wishes?

What if you get so influenced by others thoughts indirectly that you start to behave as he /she wants without even realizing it? What if instead of telling you to do something directly , indirectly lot of messages by a group of people suggest the same thing. Your subconscious mind gets affected and you might end up doing as per your thoughts which are influenced by others.

So lets say a wife wants to persuade her husband to take her on a trip. The husband doesn’t want to go as he has some health issues. How will she convince him and get what she wants? The old – fashioned way is telling directly. But the wife senses that will not work . So then the indirect influence starts. So she can do the following things
• Refer to a past trip and convince him how it helped him. Mostly the benefits would be woven in a story that is an exaggerated version of the truth
• Refer to some friends examples and say how trips help them make the relationship stronger
• Invite some friends over and discuss on the same topic

Now if you notice above , none of the reasons are wrong. In the situation that the husband’s health is not good , this trip might not be entirely advisable.. Also note that the benefits of the trip are being repeated using different channels. Daniel Kahneman has said “A reliable way to make people believe in falsehoods is frequent repetition, because familiarity is not easily distinguished from truth.”

I am currently reading the book “The power of your subconscious mind” by Joseph Murphy. The book talks about how our subconscious mind affects what happens to us. One of the quotes from the book is as follows ..”If you look back, you can easily recall how parents, friends, relatives , teachers and associates contributed in a campaign of negative suggestions. Study the things said to you , closely examine their underlying meaning and you will discover that many of them were nothing more than a form of propaganda. Its concealed purpose was – and is – to control you by instilling fear in you. This heterosuggestion process goes on in every home , office , factory and club. You will find that many of the suggestions people make , whether they know it or not are aimed at making you think, , feel and act as they want you to , in ways that are to their advantage, even if they are destructive to you”

Hence let us be aware of our thoughts, our choices, and let us ask ourselves repeatedly “Whose choice is it anyways?” This is not to suggest that what we hear is always propaganda , but to suggest that it is worth questioning “Is what we hear some sort of propaganda?”

-Dhanashree

You missed it man!

Oh man, you missed it. It was awesome. You should have come. We all enjoyed " statements like these represent this age, this generation. I am sure all of us hear something like this on a regular basis. We are all plagued by the FOMO epidemic. FOMO stands for Fear of Missing Out. It's like if you go to a movie, you will miss a party. If you go to parents meeting, you might miss out on some concert at the same time.

Let's come to the very basics. Why do you choose to do one thing over the other? That is because in your opinion, the thing you chose to do is more important, holds more priority.

Let's take a small example. You decide to take care of your sick grandma and miss a music concert that you booked tickets for. Your friend tells you "Hey D, you missed it! " What your friend says is totally true, you missed the concert. But think further , what did you miss it for? You missed it for your dear grandma. How much is your grandma important to you? Is she more important than the concert? In this case, your answer will be yes since you chose to be with your grandma . As one person cannot be at two places at the same time, you stayed with grandma and missed the concert. In any case, you would have had to make a choice.

This is the basic stuff. Life presents us with many choices at any given point. It is up to us whether we choose to be home, in university, in office, care for our loved one, watch movie or travel. The choices we make have their own consequences. Any choice will have its own "opportunity cost"-the cost incurred by not enjoying the benefit that would have been had by taking the second best available choice. No matter what alternative you choose, you will have opportunity cost.

So what do you do in the "FOMO" era? First , set your priorities right. Be aware that you cannot have it all. Be aware that all what is said about "you missed out" is sometimes said more to make you feel miserable than anything else. Never ever set your eyes off your goal, no matter what. Let your mind not be manipulated by FOMO feelings.

Remember that a person who is seen vacationing on Facebook might have a sick mom at home who wouldn't be seen on Facebook. He too has the opportunity cost of not being with his mom. Whether he chose to vacation or was forced to travel for work we don't know. Hence do not judge people by their social media appearances. Let's get back to school and remember " All that glitters is not gold" .