She kept going no matter how tough the days
Failures kept coming her wayDelete the 'overs'
OverthinkingPune = Chitale Bakarwadi and Amba Barfi was an equation etched in my head right since childhood. Anytime anyone went to Pune, they would get these two things.
Do you want to draw from the collective experience of career women across experience levels, industries and varied backgrounds? Are you a working mom struggling with the guilt of not spending enough time with the child? Are you on a career break thinking that you are lagging back on your career and don’t know what to do?Are you husband to a career woman and want her to rise to her highest potential ( self -actualization as mentioned in Maslow’s theory). Are you a policy maker making policies to promote equality? Are you a colleague of a career woman – which I assume of most of us are? If you are any of the above – Anita Bhogle’s “Equal Yet Different” is a must read. The is a must read for all career women, their families and the professionals that they work with. The books talks about women dreaming aloud, investing in yourself , managing guilt, having enablers ,managing new ways of working especially WFH, the diversity agenda and developing the equality mindset
The book starts with defining how women are equal yet different from men. It talks of the winning triangle which is the combination of ability , attitude and passion that determines success. For women, it says this triangle isn’t enough , there is one more angle about the choices she makes. One of the single most decisions that decides how a woman’s life will turn out is the choice of the spouse. I liked the term coined by Rama Bijapurkar of a gender liberal spouse. Anita says , developing the equality mindset is important right from home.
Quoting from an example from Falguni Nayar, Anita says “The ability to say NO can be a huge asset for a busy professional woman who needs to use her time wisely. “ I couldn’t agree more with this statement. Raising two kids along with our full time jobs has meant I say no to a lot of get togethers, picnics etc. I ruthlessly prioritize and as Falguni says “setting the right expectations at both home and work is important.”
Talking about careers , the book says - Planning one’s career is more important than just moving from one role to other. If you are serious about your career, you need to actively take charge of it
It is said that women don’t negotiate as much as men. The book says - Some women ascribe the reluctance to negotiate to women’s fear that acting tough during the interview could potentially diminish her chances to get a concession- should she require flexibility in working hours, change in role etc.
One of the toughest times in my career was when I had my kids. How would I manage , will the kid stay without me all those thoughts crossed my mind. In my case, I could manage my career due to the tremendous support of my parents in childcare . Did I still face guilt? Yes – I did and still do question myself if I am good mother, good professional. Anita says- “There is no escaping guilt. Being clear about your priorities and accepting the choices that follow make it easier to manage the guilt.”
Given that Covid 19 changed the way we work, Anita says its quite important to recreate office environment at home if you are planning to work from home.
A working woman invariably needs a village to manage the household. Who are your allies and enablers? Who is your core and backup crew to handle emergencies?How can you use technology to make your life efficient? Knowing the answers to these questions is very important
The points and questions in the pause section are an important source of reflection and self awareness. I , for myself, am going to think about and write down answers to each and reflect on them periodically to track my progress. Some of the questions worth definitely thinking over deeply and periodically are -
If you are hoping to go to the next level at work what are the top two things that you will need to work on . How will you go about achieving that?
Do you have a career path or a long term goal in mind?
Have you proactively sought out career opportunities?
Think of a situation where you allowed guilt to get the better of you. Is there any way you could have prevented it?
Identify male and female buddies or mentors who can support you in fulfilling your dreams
Do you behave like an equal at home and work? Do you practice and encourage equality with your children and colleagues?
It is a book worth reading multiple times periodically. Each time you read, you will learn something new simply because you will relate to the content in a newer context.
2020 has been a phenomenal year. It was different
in so many ways yet similar in some but overwhelming at times. The thing that
was similar was that my circle, the people who stood by me always were with me
helping me in 2020 as well despite the challenges that they themselves faced in
the pandemic.
I resumed
work post maternity leave in April and since then it has been
juggling between Work from home, work for home , childcare , family time
and what not.
2020
reinforced some of the values that my aaji , parents and atya taught me.
So here goes- What 2020 taught me
1.
Know your close circle. They matter. No one else does-
Who comes in your closest circle? Who will help you
when things go wrong? Who will get you food when you yourself can't? Who
will sit in the hospital with you if the need be? Who will help you when
despite your monetary status( when you are not as well off)? These are the
people that matter. Identify these people, cherish them, love them. Have
gratitude that you have a few such people in life. It is tough to identify your
circle when everything is going on well in your life.
You truly know who is with you when you need help
from them. How do they react then? People who come to n parties with you, do
they come to help? People who come to you because you have a certain
amount of money, a car or a big house are never yours no matter how closely
they are related to you.
Time and again when I have faced challenges in my
life, only my close circle came running for me. Rest were just spectators or
visitors. They came just to mark their attendance and show others that they
visited me. But my circle was the one that stood by me like a rock and actively
helped to get out of a tough situation.
In 2020 too, I needed help. House movement ,and
raising children, doing a job amidst a pandemic were tough. My close circle
kept me going. Right from doing the house movement , to childcare, providing me
food when I couldn't cook, the list is endless.
At
the end of 2020, all I have is gratitude for them
2.
Saving for a rainy day works. It really does
I grew up in a middle class family. Where
saving and spending only on necessities and not on extravagance was a way of
life. My aaji and everyone in the house would emphasize the importance of
saving for a rainy day.
2020 was a living example of how savings were
important . When I joined back work in April, I was worried whether I would be
able to manage all of this. I thought what would be the worse case. When I
imagined the worse case scenario maybe of taking some unpaid time off, I
realised it was an option only because of saving habit and a regular and not so
hi-fi lifestyle
3.
Take one day at a time
In school , when I used to feel the exam papers
ahead are tough subjects, my atya used to say first focus on tomorrow's paper.
Then we can see about the rest.
Come 2020 , I applied this principle like anything.
Some days were so overwhelming and busy , but focusing on the task at hand
produced great results.
Not worrying too much about we have so much to do
in the week . But focussing on what needs to be done today is an effective
strategy
4.
Planning and discipline are a must
I
grew up surrounded by teachers and hence planning and discipline are in my
blood.
2020
was a year of even more intense planning as weekends were dedicated to that: -
grocery shopping list, menu planning. syncing mine and husband's calendar etc
etc. There is no way I could have done so much of jugglery in 2020 without this
detailed planning
5.
There is no better time to start than now
My
aaji used to say "kasa honar, kay honar vichar karnyapeksha kamak
laga". That means instead of thinking what will happen etc, just start
working on the task. I have been thinking about losing weight since long. In
2020, amidst all the madness, I started my weight loss journey by following a
healthy diet. That involved some additional cooking, planning and hence more
effort. But I did it. My thinking of how Iwill be able to manage this in a
pandemic madness transformed to lets focus on what all small stuff I can do
daily that takes me closer to my weight loss goal.
The
difference that this attitude can create is phenomenal
6.Unsolicited
advice comes in plenty. The only action that it should have is ignore
At
the start of 2020, I made a resolution of not to reason with unreasonable
people.
It was not easy but
by being mindful about this, I was reasonably successful in meeting this
resolution. A lot of unsolicited advice that I received was either to put me
down or to boost the advice giver's ego or for the advice giver's selfishness.
None of the people who gave this advice came to help me even once. They were
not in my close circle.
Hence the best strategy
to deal with unsolicited advice is to ignore it,
7.
You are not answerable to everyone
This is a follow-up
from point above. Everyone has advice to give you but you are not answerable to
everyone. Who matters is your close circle. No one is your judge.
For example, In
2020, I stopped answering people after the first time if they asked why I am
not venturing out.
Once you decide who
is your circle, you decide who should you answer
The list can go on
but these are my key learnings. At the start of 2020 , my younger one was just
3 months. At the end of 2020, she is 15 months. At the start of 2020, I was
much more dependent for help in terms of arranging house( my dad did this and I
couldn't have imagined where we would be had he not come in to help). At the
end of 2020, my dependence has slightly reduced in some things, increased in
other. This itself brings about a lot of changes in people dynamics . The
people who are not in your close circle want to portray that they are in the
hope of receiving help from you .
The people who are
in your close circle are always with you. That matters. And that is the only
thing that matters.
Happy new year 2021
folks.
What is your
learning from 2020?
-Dhanashree
13th August was my Aajis birth anniversary. Had she been alive she would have been 107 years old. Aaji was born in the Kamat family of Banda in the Sawantwadi district in Konkan. She was the second eldest amongst 4 siblings, 2 brothers and 1 sister. Aaji was named Saraswati, which means the goddess of knowledge. She was fondly called as “Tai”. After marriage, Aaji moved to Vengurla. My grandfather’s family business was a grocery store in Vengurla which was started by my great – grandfather.
Aaji had 5 children, 4 daughters and one
son; my dad being the youngest. Aaji spent the major part of her life in Konkan(
almost 60+ years). Still when she came to Bombay( as it was called then) , she
adapted pretty quickly. Aaji came to permanently live in Bombay in around late
70’s.
I remember a small incident , both my
aaji and maternal grandma used to make pickles during summer. I would like both
the pickles, but I liked my maternal grandma’s pickle more. Whenever my
maternal grandma gave me pickle, aaji would feed me maternal grandma made
pickle. She did not have the -I will purposely not feed anything given from the
maternal side attitude. My mom never had to worry whether we are well fed or
taken care of when she was in office.
Aaji wore a nine yard saree, she would look a bit traditional. But she was probably more modern in thought than some of the fashionable looking people. She chanted shlokas but never insisted upon us to blindly follow rituals. We had pujas, prasad etc but the most important thing she said is doing the right things. We need to be honest, sincere , helping fellow human beings only then god helps us. Another thing I remember if there was a work commitment that coincided with a puja, aaji put work first.
.Aaji’s wish was she should be able to be present at my brothers thread ceremony and my sisters( eldest aunts daughter) wedding before she dies. Both those events were planned in 2001 and 2002( she was 88 then). She could witness both these events.
In 2002, she was hospitalized for around
22 days for sever cough and related illness in BPT hospital, Vadala. My mom and
my aunt would do hospital duty daily alternating between day and night.. My
eldest aunt and my dad took care of us while they were in hospital. This was my aaji’s sanskar- family comes together
in crisis and not only for get-togethers. I have always got the strong support of
my family and that is the reason why I am able to have a career alongwith kids.
In 2006, aaji feel sick , a mild paralysis I would
say. She did not get better after that and passed away in 2006.
P.S. There are many things and lessons I learnt
from aaji, which cannot be covered in one post. But this is my gratitude post
to one of the most influential woman in life
In the morning it was all empty
Then the numbers increased
One by one taking up the space
As more people were wanting to get in
I looked at it and thought to control the numbers then
But work took priority
Let the crowd increase
I will look later I said
Finally as I wrapped up my work
I unloaded the crowd one by one
And soon there was no one
Because nothing gives more peaceful sleep
Than a clean kitchen sink
.-Dhanashree
She knew I was just a kid aged 5
Knowing not more than playing and doing hi-fi
She ensured I read and write
And gave me the precious gift of time
He knew I was worried about exams
Whether I would do well or screw them
He ensured he gave me his time
And guided me in that phase then
She knew I loved delicious food
She kept it ready and it tasted too good
I couldn't cook then or swiggy it
But she made sure I was fed well atleast
She knew I had no help
And 2 babies to look
Without asking "Should I help"
She got me cooked food
He knew I had a meeting
And no time to do grocery shoppy
Without any ado, he asked me what should I buy for you
In my times of need
Am blessed to find these wonderful people indeed
The gift of god
What more could I ask for
These people are my tribe
And may it grow further in this lifetime
Corona has changed our lives in ways unimaginable. The effects are felt by everyone. One of the things is the social lessons of Covid . Sharing a poem reflecting some similar thoughts ...
I will travel
No one can stop me , she said
Then corona came and she had to wait
I cannot sit at home
No one can stop me , she said
Then corona came and she had to be home bound instead
I won't cook
I have a cook she said
Then corona came, her cook left , she had to cook herself
I cannot live in a small house
I need a big house she said
Then corona came- with job cuts forcing her to shift to smaller rentals instead
I will do this
No one can stop me she said
Then corona came forcing her to acknowledge a greater force instead
We do not know what the post corona world looks like
What is the new normal like?
All I know is
Covid , temporarily atleast , reminded people that there is something beyond the 'I'
And if they are wise enough, reminded them it's not too late to drop senseless egos.
-Dhanashree
A few weeks ago, Narayan Murty touched the feet of Ratan Tata and it became a news. It was considered as a sign of humility by the Infosys founder. In Hindu tradition, touching the feet of elders is considered as a good thing. The way I grew up, we touched elders feet during festivals and maybe before important events like exams . But I don't remember it was compulsory or doing it regularly.
As I grew up, I realised this touching of feet was a very strong symbol of showing respect. Irrespective of whether you respect the person or not , if you touch his/her feet , you are 'sanskaari' . Especially if you are a girl, you are sanskaari "bahu" or "beti". Worse , if you dont do so, you might be labelled as non sanskaari.I know a friend who did not even bother when her mum was sick and went on a trip. But publicly she would always touch her mum's feet. Even at the risk of not knowing the exact equations between the two, if she did not bother about her mum , why did she need to show that paay lagu mummy every single time? To show...to show the great Indian family is all about care and respect. In an Instagram world , where life is measured by pictures, paay lagu is a sanskaari picture. It is still a very strong symbol of respect without much effort.
I remember once , my daughter had asked me , why do we touch feet , should I touch feet everytime? I told her to behave nicely to people. Touching feet comes later and is optional. That's my sanskaar to my daughter, I don't care if she appears sanskaari or non sanskaari to the world.
-Dhanashree
